Michael Ian Black (1,559,741 followers)
michaelianblack
- My scrotum is being very mysterious. For instance, whenever I scratch it, it goes "You only THINK I'm itchy."
3 months ago by
Michael Ian Black
michaelianblack
- Wife was offended when I said she smelled "yeasty."
3 months ago by
Michael Ian Black
michaelianblack
- Next time instead of going to McDonalds, I should just pour an entire salt shaker into my mouth.
3 months ago by
Michael Ian Black
michaelianblack
- Unless the next one has a dick, I don't want to hear any more about Tiger.
3 months ago by
Michael Ian Black
michaelianblack
- From @meganphelps: "Your hatred for God & your neighbor is as plain as day!" No Megan, titty fucking is an act of LOVE!
4 months ago by
Michael Ian Black
michaelianblack
- Sort of obsessed w/ @meganphelps. Sample tweet: "AIDS is God's curse on you." Let her feel your love.
4 months ago by
Michael Ian Black
michaelianblack
- Starting to feel bad for lunch and dinner: you guys are also important meals.
4 months ago by
Michael Ian Black
michaelianblack
- Learned about Mormons today. Turns out they're just good, simple people who hate gays. And are on the fence about blacks. Ditto!
4 months ago by
Michael Ian Black
michaelianblack
- Research: Sucking dicks as a Mormon: cool, not cool? Chick with a dick? Chick with enlarged clitoris that looks like a tiny cock?
4 months ago by
Michael Ian Black
michaelianblack
- Turns out hating Mormons is harder than I thought because they're all so fucking nice. I may convert.
4 months ago by
Michael Ian Black
michaelianblack
- Just watched "Bride Wars" with my wife. Time to start cutting myself so I know I can feel again.
4 months ago by
Michael Ian Black
michaelianblack
- Things that smell better than they taste: coffee, popcorn, vanilla-scented ass.
4 months ago by
Michael Ian Black
michaelianblack
- Good response to somebody saying "Blah blah blah:" "Bloopity bloopity bloop."
4 months ago by
Michael Ian Black
michaelianblack
- New experiment: brown-eyed Tweeters are superior to blue-eyed Tweeters. Then there's a deadly riot. Then I'm declared King. Go forth.
4 months ago by
Michael Ian Black
michaelianblack
- Day after day after Thanksgiving has to be a huge day for pizzerias. Also for family therapists.
4 months ago by
Michael Ian Black
michaelianblack
- Getting into that dangerous "too late to nap" zone.
4 months ago by
Michael Ian Black
michaelianblack
- Finally saw "Funny People." Fuck you Judd Apatow, for making me love Adam Sandler in something.
4 months ago by
Michael Ian Black
michaelianblack
- After Thanksgiving, I threw up most of my food and all of my thankfulness.
4 months ago by
Michael Ian Black
michaelianblack
- Let's celebrate Thanksgiving the way the pilgrims did: by accepting the gift of food and giving the gift of smallpox.
4 months ago by
Michael Ian Black
Canada
Russia
Greece
Spain
Mexico
